It feels weird to let go.
The sun came up this morning. It was so big, so red, so dim. I could feel a knot in my throat looking at it.
I guess in a sense I feel relieved. I don’t have to worry about that paper anymore. I don't have to answer the question of what I want to do with my life. Maybe I wanted to answer that question? I…I don’t know anymore.
It’s starting to get cold outside. The power’s still on, but I know that can’t last much longer.
My friends are mostly busy with their families, but a few of them are going to drop by today. I don't know what we'll do, but I'm not really worried.
Maybe I'm in shock. Is that what this feeling is?
It had been so hot outside, like highs in the 90s. But yesterday was like a lovely fall day. I took the dogs for a walk around the neighborhood and to the park. There were actually a lot of people there. It was breezy and beautiful. The cool sunlight shone through the leaves. I found myself almost laughing.
There's frost around the windows now. If I blow against them, the condensation makes an opaque blob that fades within a few seconds.
It’s hard to cry. Well, harder than I'd like it to be. Earlier my mom talked about having the dogs put down so they wouldn’t have to suffer. That made me cry. Doesn’t matter though, everybody had that idea, and there aren’t a lot of vets still working.
I don't know how I feel about death. I'm not religious. I think death will be just like before I was born, but that scares the shit out of me. It’s like, I won't be around to feel anything, but all I’ve ever known has been feeling things. God, I just need to stop thinking about it. It does me no good.
I've been pouring over memories in my head. I can feel my brain dividing my life up into segments. I can feel the places I’ve been, the little sections of my life. Each year of my life, each school grade, each summer, each friend, each memory. Maybe it’s silly, but I’ve been going back through my mind and sort of reliving my favorite memories.
Anyway, Sarah's here now so I’m going to go spend some time with her. I'll write more tonight, probably by candlelight, but we’ll see.